Lord of The Ringtones
by Meggie-Mockingjay
Summary: Have you ever wondered how much time it would have saved if the people of Middle Earth had phones? Just some random scenes from the trilogy that would have gone much more smoothly (or less so...) if they'd had access to phones. *Taking suggestions for scenes*
1. Chapter 1: Saruman

I'm supposed to be finishing the explanation of the problems I'm having with my anxiety for a psychiatrist... but this idea came to me at 3am this morning and I just couldn't resist writing it!

I'm sure it's been done countless times before, but I wanted to have a go :-)

**Just a little note before we begin – I know from my traffic that I have a lot of American readers, so just to clarify, what I call a mobile phone or just a 'mobile' is just our weird British name for a cellphone. **

…**...**

_**Lord of the Ringtones**_

_Summary: Have you ever wondered how much time it would have saved if the people of Middle Earth had phones? Just some random scenes from the trilogy that would have gone much more smoothly (or less so...) if they'd had access to phones. *Taking suggestions for scenes* _

Chapter 1: 

**FOTR – The Nazgul **

"They will find the ring," said Saruman, his voice echoing off of the stone walls surrounding them, "and kill the one who carries it."  
>"Frodo!" Gandalf half-shouted, realisation dawning on him. He whipped out his phone from the pocket stitched into the underside of his robe, and hastily dialled Frodo's number.<br>"Come on, pick up, PICK UP!" he hissed into the phone.

….

Frodo and Sam had just settled down for dinner when a shrill ringing made them both jump up,

wary of attack. Then Frodo laughed, realising what the noise was. He leant back against a tree and pulled out his phone, pressing the answer button.  
>"Hey Gandalf, how's it going?" The voice that answered him was urgent, and Frodo had to listen very carefully to discern one word from another, the speaker was churning them out at such a high speed.<br>"Frodo, listen to me very carefully, you have to get to the inn as quick as you can. Don't stop for anything, and keep out of sight. They know you have the ring and they are..."

The line went dead.

Frodo took the phone away from his ear and looked at it crossly, as though it had done him a personal offence.  
>"What did he want Mr Frodo?" asked Sam cheerfully, stoking the small fire they had built.<p>

"He just said to hurry up. We should get moving," replied Frodo, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

Within minutes, they were on their way again, making their way through Farmer Maggot's fields.

….

"...they are...hello? Frodo?! FRODO ANSWER ME!" Gandalf yelled, before hanging up the dead line irritably. "No signal!" he muttered angrily to himself. _Stramge, _he thought, _there had been plenty of service just moments before. _He held up his phone and walked around the circular room a bit, trying to find a few bars. After a few minutes, he decided to try and go up to a higher level of Saruman's tower, maybe there would be signal there. He turned to walk out the tall doors behind him, only to have them slam shut just as he reached them.  
>"You did not seriously think a hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron? There are none who can," said Saruman, his low voice threatening. "Against the power of Mordor, there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron."<p>

Saruman was coming towards him – in a last desperate attempt to escape, Gandalf threw his phone as hard as he could at the other wizard's head. Saruman ducked it easily, and the phone clattered noisily to the ground behind him. For a split second, Gandalf's mind went to the man who sold him the phone trying to push him to buy the extended warranty plan and how he wished he'd listened to him, before everything went black and the ground disappeared from underneath his feet.

….

**I know it's weird, but it was just an amusing idea that I thought of writing. **

**Please let me know what you think if you read this! **

**Next up: The Ringwraiths squabble over one of their number's choice of ringtone. **

**Review? Pwetty Pwease? :P **

**Meg xx**


	2. Chapter 2: The Nazgul

**Qoheleth: I sincerely hope your review was meant to be an attempt at humour in keeping with the theme of my story. If not, then I hope you realise that if you read a story labelled 'parody' you may safely assume that it is AU and the author will not need to re-write the history of Arda to suit the needs of their parody. **

**Blithesome: I will not lie to you – I spent a good five minutes laughing at that as well... who **

**says an author can't laugh at their own jokes! **

**Guest: Indeed, dub step Gandalf does sound entertaining. And Sauron certainly does possess a phone – he has to entertain himself somehow, doesn't he? **

_Lord of The Ringtones_

**Chapter 2: **

The five wraiths rode swiftly and silently across the land, easily navigating their way through the forest. All of a sudden, the rider at the head of the group came to a halt and the others followed suit to avoid a collision. From where they were, they could see the ruins of the Watchtower of Amun Sul, and the bright orange flames flickering on a ledge near the top. As they watched, voices could be heard yelling and the fire was hurriedly put out. They urged their steeds forwards, spreading out so as to approach their target in a circle formation, leaving little chance of escape.

….

Frodo awoke to the chattering of his fellow hobbits. When he rolled over to tell them to be quiet, and saw the fire they had made, he jumped up and ran over to them.  
>"Put it out, you fools!" he yelled, stamping on the flames, "Put it out!"<p>

The last flame died out, and they held their breath, waiting for any sound of approaching attackers. Just when they had begun to relax, a shrill screech tore through the air. The Hobbits ran to the edge of the tower and watched in horror as five shadows on horseback drew closer to them. They turned and ran up the stairs to the very top level and drew their little swords in readiness.

….

"Turn it off!" yelled one of the wraiths, after his initial surprise had worn off. The rider he had addressed had released the reigns of his horse and was fumbling among the many layers of his black robes. Eventually, he found what he was looking for and pulled out his phone. It became apparent to the other three riders that it was the phone which was emitting the screeching noise. Their companion finally pressed the 'Decline' button and the noise ended. All heads turned toward the perpetrator, who pointedly looked in the other direction.  
>"Why in the name of Sauron's undergarments is that your ring tone?" hissed one.<br>"This is the third time you've given us away with that blessed screeching!" snarled another.

"We can argue about this later!" shouted the wraith who had spoken first, "We have a job to do – reclaim the One Ring." The others nodded in agreement, dismounting their horses and drawing their swords.

…..

**I was going to write a bit more for this one... but I think the Ringwraiths will make a reappearance later!  
>I had to re-write bits of it bc I suddenly remembered that there are only 5 of the Nazgul on Weathertop, oops!***

**Please Review if you read ! **

**Meg xxx**


	3. Chapter 3: Flight to The Ford Part 1

**Chapter 3 is here :-)  
>Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews – they all made me smile! Keep them coming :P <strong>

**I've had serious writer's block this week, which resulted in me sitting and staring at my laptop until I thought of something to write... so I apologise if the humour is somewhat lacking in this chapter. **

….

**Lord of The Ringtones **

_Chapter 1: _**Flight to the Ford Part 1**

Arwen was a blur as she raced through the halls of the House of Elrond, her dress billowing behind her. She was so concentrated on her destination that she did not even stop to apologise to the unsuspecting servant she barrelled into as she skidded round the corner. Ignoring the indignant shouts echoing behind her, she pressed on.

She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't realise she had passed the door of the room she was heading for. As she doubled back, she turned a corner and bumped (quite literally) into her father, who yelled in shock. 

"Arwen!" he said, once he had gotten over his surprise, "I was coming to look for you, I sent for you many minutes ago!"

"I know Ada, I came as quickly as I could. What is it?" she demanded, suddenly taking note of her father's worried expression. Elrond sighed and gestured to the door behind him, which stood slightly ajar. Arwen stepped around him and entered the room – which she now recognised as her father's study. At first she was at a loss as to what she was supposed to be looking at, until her keen eyes spotted a blinking light coming from the side table in the corner of the vast room. Hurrying over to it, she identified the light as the voice-mail notification, and clicked the button, before sitting down in a nearby chair and waiting nervously for the message to play. A few moments passed before the machine crackled and she was startled by a familiar voice calling out.

…..

"He's going cold!" cried Sam, anxiously feeling Frodo's cheek. Aragorn grimaced and turned away, his brain running through possible plans of action at lightning-quick speed. Struck by a sudden idea, he threw his pack down and began rummaging through it, throwing the things he was removing over his shoulder, where they landed in a haphazard pile on the ground. Finally he found what he was looking for, and pulled out a battered-looking phone. Wiping away the dried mud that splattered the screen, he pushed the power button as hard as he could, as if sheer force could will it to life. When nothing happened, he walked over to a nearby tree and whacked the device sharply against the back several times. All that he achieved was causing a large crack to appear down the glass screen, and he threw it away from him in frustration.

A shrill cry rang out behind him, and Aragorn whirled on the spot, fearing it to be Frodo. What he was faced with, however, was Pippin rubbing his forehead with an irritated look on his face.

"Do you think you could watch where you're throwing things next time, Strider?" the Hobbit said, staring reproachfully at the ranger.

Aragorn ignored him and pushed past him to where Sam stood, bent over his master, his brow furrowed in concern. Aragorn took him by the shoulder and pulled him round to face him.

"Sam," he said quietly, with a hint of urgency that Sam noticed immediately, "Do you have a phone?"

Sam looked surprised, then his face fell.

"I don't, Mr Strider, for mine got spoilt when it dropped in the Brandywine river," the Hobbit replied sadly, glancing back at Frodo, as if checking he hadn't died in the seconds he'd been parted from his side.

Aragorn growled in frustration, before an idea came to him.

"Does Frodo have one?"

…..

**I split this into 2 parts b/c it was a bit long for my liking otherwise – besides, it gives me more time to actually make it funny...and update evenly throughout the week. Part 2 on it's way soon! Xx**

**Please review! **

**Meg xxx**


	4. Chapter 4: Flight to The Ford Part 2

"Frodo, can you hear me?" yelled Aragorn desperately, resisting the urge to shake the Hobbit roughly by the shoulders.

"Ungggghghgghgng," moaned Frodo in response. Aragorn took that to mean yes, so he pressed on:

"Where is your phone?" Frodo looked confused, so Aragorn repeated his request, louder this time. "WHERE IS YOUR PHONE?"

After a few moments, Frodo finally responded. His response was less than helpful, however:

"Unff..f.f. …pofhcket…."

"It's in his pocket, Strider!" cried Sam happily, retrieving the phone from his Master's front pocket. He handed it to Aragorn, who moved aside to make a very important call. Sam set about ensuring that Frodo was comfortable, at the same time straining to hear what Aragorn was saying.

"It's got a passcode!" shouted Aragorn angrily, marching back over to the cluster of Hobbits on the ground. He shook the phone in Sam's face and demanded that he ask Frodo what the passcode was. Unfortunately, they were unable to get anything vaguely discernible as words out of Frodo, and for a moment all seemed hopeless. Then Merry piped up:

"What about the voice activation?" There was silence, then:

"Voice activation?"

"_Voice _activation?"

"VOICE ACTIVATION?"

"VUNGSANFTVAFGG?"

"Quiet, Frodo," snapped Aragorn, who was studying the phone in his hand. Somewhat hesitantly, he pressed the 'Home' button….. "Hello?" he said nervously, waiting anxiously for a response. He and the three conscious hobbits jumped in surprise when they were answered by a loud voice:

"Hello, Frodo. How can I help you?" The four in the clearing exchanged excited glances before Aragorn focused his attention on the phone. He spoke carefully, enunciating each word to ensure that the technology would understand his request.

"Call…. Rivendell." There was a beeping sound, a moment of silence, then…

"You can only call the emergency number when your phone is locked. Unable to contact Rivendell." Aragorn growled in frustration before an idea came to him.

"Call the emergency number!" Another beep, then:

"Dialling emergency number."

"Right, now we're getting somewhere," proclaimed Aragorn enthusiastically. The Hobbits seemed more hopeful now that a possible rescue seemed likely, and they sat quietly as the emergency number rang. After what seemed like hours, but was really only a minute or two, the operator picked up on the other end.

"Good evening, Middle-Earth Emergency Services, Tadd speaking. How may I help you?"

"Yes, hello," shouted Aragorn, "we need to contact Lord Elrond of Rivendell, it's urgent."

"What is the urgent matter?"

"Our friend has been stabbed, he needs help," cried Pippin desperately.

"Can I ask where he has been stabbed, and with what?" replied the operator calmly. Pippin looked at Aragorn for assistance, as the little Hobbit did not know the answer to the second part of the question.

"He has been stabbed in the shoulder with a Morgul blade," said Aragorn sadly, hating the situation.

"Ahhhh…" replied the operator, "I can get you in touch with a funeral service if you…"

"That will NOT be necessary," snapped Aragorn tersely, "just get a message through to Elrond. We need him!".

"I'll see what I can do, sir. In the meantime, is the Nazgul that stabbed him still around? I could contact Pest Control if necessary."

Aragorn and the Hobbits looked around nervously, reminded of the presence of their pursuers. Aragorn hesitated a moment before responding; "Well… not that we can see but it's possible they will return. We really do need to contact Rivendell."

"Of course, sir, hold on a moment."

Then followed a very tense few minutes, as the Hobbits and Aragorn waited with baited breath for the Operator to speak again. It seemed they had been put on hold. Finally, they heard the line crackle to life again and the clear voice of the Operator rang through the clearing:

"Help is on the way, sir. Lord Elrond also said that he doesn't know where you found these Hobbits but if it was in a tavern again then he would take his sword and…"

"YES thank you," interrupted Aragorn hastily, ignoring the curious looks on Merry and Sam's faces (and the rather traumatised one on Pippin's). "That will be all."

"Very well then, good luck sir."

And with that, the line went dead. Aragorn let out a long breath and said "Now we wait."

I really enjoyed writing this, I honestly did. I hope to update again very soon, but it takes a while to come up with a decent idea for a chapter. Feel free to suggest some scenes you would find amusing!

Meg xxx


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